Fixing the Finale of Lost

Lost left a lot to be desired in the series finale. Mariam invested 6 years watching the show and tried to convince me that the ending was touching and appropriate. I only invested 6 months in the show and hated that the last season was about the death of only one character who I didn't even like that much! Maybe I am more cavalier about dismissing the show entirely because I didn't invest 6 years in it, but still it was about 120 hours of television. I could have gone to the gym instead and burnt at least 120,000 calories! I know the writers want to leave the ending open to interpretation, but it is poor form to end a show about a lot of interesting mysteries and character interactions on an island completely removed from the island and its mysteries. I suppose the lost writers and die hard fans can keep their lame ending, but for people who just want straightforward resolution they should include a highlight reel of character events after Jack's death, much like the end of any teenager coming of age movie. Imagine the song Don't You (forget about me) by Simple Minds playing as screenshots come forward with a few sentences updating us on how things turned out. Here's how I picture things turning out.

PEOPLE WHO WERE ALREADY DEAD

Jack: Enough about Jack, no update needed.

Juliet: She goes on to marry Sawyer in afterlife part 2. She runs into Jacob one night at a Sushi restaurant. After some saki bombs, he reveals he wouldn't let woman have babies on the island because his own mother died after childbirth. Juliet slaps him.

Locke: Locke opens a walkabout company in afterlife part 2. Nightly boar feast and luau included in cost of package if you buy right now!

Sun and Jin: Live together in afterlife part 2 where they never speak Korean again. They sell oxygen tanks for submarines specifically designed for unconscious people.

Sayid: Lives a slightly fulfilling life with Shannon. They live in the suburbs of afterlife part 2 and join a really WASPy country club.

Charlie: Afterlife 2 treats him well. He has 4 kids with Claire, and teaches music classes.

Shannon: Eventually dies of an asthma attack and ends up in afterlife part 3.

Boone: Wanders around awkwardly, smiling and giving everybody hugs. Sometimes he sleeps with Shannon.

Alex: Stays in afterlife part 2 until she eventually finds Karl. They date for a while, but grow apart after she leaves for college at Brown. She eventually meets Detective Miles and totally hits that.

Rousseau: Marries Dr. Linus and cooks him french food in afterlife part 1. They have adopt a baby named Pierre. They abandon him after Rousseau and Alex remember the island and they move on to afterlife part 2.

Daniel Faraday: Wins over Charlotte with his super awesome muzak.

PEOPLE WHO MAYBE NEVER EXISTED

David (Jack and Juliet's son): Gets abandoned by his dad and mom mysteriously one day after his grandfathers funeral. He has a lot of issues about it until he crashes on a strange island with a group of strangers (including Sayid's niece and nephew!).

PEOPLE WHO DIED IN THE FUTURE

Kate: Escapes on the Ajira jet, and helps Claire raise Aaron. Dies in a tragic run away ferris wheel accident.

Sawyer: Starts a blog called Nickname. It is epically successful for its one liner wit.

Miles: Finds a bag of diamonds in his pocket after landing on the Ajira flight. He becomes CEO of Oceanic airlines, but is removed after a duct tape repair scandal.

Claire: Runs a decorating company specializing in goth themed baby furniture in Beverly Hills.

Desmond: Escapes successfully from the Hugo-run island after Hugo decides to install a Star Trek-like transporter with his island magic. Lives happily with Penny and his son.

Richard: Sells eyeliner for men.

Lapidus: Works in Vegas as a Kenny Loggins impersonator, and writes a weekly conspiracy theory newsletter.

Walt: Uses his angst from his parents absence to start very promising acting career as a vampire on the CW. His strange magic powers that scared his stepdad in the first season really help him in his role.

Aaron: The dire warnings about him not being raised by his mother turn out to be wrong. He becomes a very successful marine biologist and is rumored to be dating Walt from the CW.

Ji Yeon: She channels her angst over her parents death into becoming the first female leader of the Korean mob. Think O-Ren Ishii in Kill Bill, Part 1.

Ben: Makes a lot of number 2 jokes with Hugo, especially after finding out from Desmond that the island is just a big clogged toilet.

Hugo: Hugo acts as the island protector until 2537. He is eventually replaced by Jar Jar Binks in an even more upsetting finale.

--By Farrah, who is 26 tomorrow

TV Doctors never write Medical Notes

There are only two doctor shows I can stand to watch on TV - House and Scrubs. Both of these shows were better in their earlier seasons, but after getting involved in the character stories I just watch out of inertia. Scrubs is probably more realistic, but House tends to have more interesting cases with entertaining Sherlock Holmes-type medical mysteries. The most annoying unrealistic thing about House is that the multiple overqualified MDs are in a never ending internship disguised as a fellowship for a specialty which does not exist. These docs can run any test in the hospital - MRI scans, cardiac catheterization, exploratory laparotomy, neurosurgery, genetic assays, autopsies, bacterial culture, breaking and entering. Every mundane test is run with the personal attention of doctors in perfectly tailored white coats without the help of any nurses or techs. The only mundane task these doctors are almost never seen, even miming, is the act of writing a medical note. Since my last month of medical school is flex time, I spend my time painting, playing guitar, and watching TV online. As I watched an episode of House in a feeble effort to exercise my already atrophying medical knowledge, I started to wonder what the medical chart would even look for an episode of house. In an exercise of pure boredom, here is what the chart would look like for the House episode "Brave Heart."

History & Physical

History: 39 year old male presenting with trauma, fell 30 feet from building

Family: Father, paternal grandfather, paternal great grandfather - death in 4os from heart disease

Social: Detective, Reckless because he thinks he's gonna die at age 40 like his relatives, unmarried, no children

Physical: 2 broken bones, severe concussion, collapsed lung

Assessment: Trauma stabilized, but unknown cardiac condition warrants an inpatient work up. Differential Diagnosis includes familial hypercholesterolemia, marfan syndrome, brugada syndrome, idiopathic

Plan: Admit to diagnostic medicine service, EKG, cardiac catheterization, genetic testing, routine labs

Progress Note

Tests: Negative

Assessment: Um... still probably genetic

Plan: Will get consent to exhume bodies of relatives (would insurance EVER cover this, put it on credit card, he's gonna die at 40 anyway!)

Progress Note

Interim History: Patient's ex-girlfriend presented to hospital revealing patient has a son.

Pathology on relatives bodies: Negative

Assessment: Um... still probably genetic

Plan: Get fresh pure squeaky clean bone marrow biopsy for genetic analysis (a little painful, but what's the pain of a child compared to cinching a farfetched diagnosis!)

Progress Note

Son's Bone Marrow Biopsy: normal

Assessment: Probably faking it = idiopathic, Will give patient imaginary diagnosis of Ortoli Syndrome, a rare cardiac disease treated with pills

Plan: Give patient sugar pills, discharge home

Autopsy Note

History: Patient collapsed 4 hours after discharge. Found in laundry room of apartment building by landlord. Pronounced dead on arrival by EMTs

Procedure: Post-mortem incision at midline of sternum revealed active bleeding. Patient comes back to life coughing and screaming in distress

Assessment: Not dead yet. Extreme Bradycardia. Differential Diagnosis includes sick sinus syndrome, metabolic disease, isolated anti-ro antibody

Plan: Transfer to ICU, start steroid treatment

Progress Note

Interim History: Jaw and tooth pain, patient pulled out own tooth with forceps from cart in room. Dentist analysis of tooth revealed normal tooth

Assessment: Source of pain could be bone cancer with paraneoplastic syndrome. Li fraumeni syndrome

Plan: Gamma survey to look for tumors

Progress Note

Gamma survey: normal

Assessment: Source of pain could be related to nervous system - hereditary sensory autonomic neuropathy type 1

Plan: Carbamazepine

Progress Note

Interim history: patient with continued pain and urinary incontinence

Assessment: Wilson's disease (is there a single episode where this isn't in the differential? seriously writers, it's just like Lost's obsession with dural sac rupture)

Plan: Penicillamine (why diagnose? just start treatment!)

Progress Note

Interim History: Dr. House heard the word "button" triggering the concept of heart attack button leading to the obvious next diagnosis of intracranial berry aneurysm pressing on brainstem

Assessment: Intracranial Berry Aneurysm

Plan: Neurosurgery for both father and son, then heartfelt reunion!

Good lord this show is stupid laid out like this! But inertia is terribly powerful so I will likely keep watching.

--By Farrah, who spent the last 5 days babysitting her 2 year old nephew and who never knew she could pull off the unkempt mom look so well, several people told her to have a happy mother's day

Childhood STOLEN by American Girl Store

I recently went on a trip to Colorado with Abby. We spent a week dog sledding, skiing, and gazing at the magestic beauty of the Rocky Mountains. We did not decide to spend our last day outside in the refreshing barely-oxygenated mile-high air, and instead decided to spend it in the retail air of Park Meadows Mall where an American Girl Store had just opened!

Like all little girls, I begged my mom for an American Girl doll on a regular basis. My mom was a big fan of her daughters reading, so she happily purchased the six books of every series for me and my younger sister Sami. My favorite books were about Samantha Parkington. I read Meet Samantha, Samantha Learns a Lesson, Samantha's Surprise, Happy Birthday Samantha!, Samantha Saves the Day, and Changes for Samantha hundreds of times each. At the back of each book was a small, harmless-looking postcard that you could send away for the American Girls Catalogue which sold dolls based on the series. My mom didn't appreciate the series as much after the arrival of the catalogue.

Sami and I would spend days lovingly turning the pages of the catalogue (Sami focused on Molly because they both wore glasses). They were the greatest dolls you could EVER own. Not only could you have the doll, but you could get everything the doll had in all of the books! You could get Samantha's pretty pink dress from Happy Birthday Samantha! along with a tiny ice cream maker and a tiny wicker set of table and chairs. You could even get a matching outfit for yourself! However, the dolls cost around $85 just for a starter kit - doll, book, and maybe a brush. My mom dismissed our whiney begging, stating that she would get us the dolls when they went on sale. Sami and I knew, they would never go on sale. My mom eventually got us similar looking porcelain dolls at a lower cost that partially filled the massive void in our American Girl hearts.

When we saw the American Girl store had opened just a week earlier in Colorado, we decided to go. I have to admit that even at age 25, I was excited to see a Samantha doll in person - a little sad, I know. We arrived at the magical store, where glass covered perfect displays of all the dolls just like in the catalogues. There were a few new dolls that I didn't recognize - Josefina? Ruthie? Rebecca? LANIE? Who the f*** cares? Where is Samantha?!? I rushed through all the displays, but she couldn't be found.

Abby, Sami, and I aggressively elbowed children out of the way to talk to one of the salesclerks.

"Excuse me miss, where are the Samantha dolls?" Sami asked as we all backed the clerk into a corner.

"I'm sorry, Samantha has been retired. It actually happened a few years ago," she politely replied.

"WHAT!?!" we responded in unison.

She's only 10 years old, I thought, how could she retire?

"I was going to pass one on to my daughter!" I said loudly to the sales clerk, realizing in the same moment that - 1) I don't have a daughter and 2) to pass something on to a daughter you have to own it yourself first. I could have cried (don't worry, I held it together - a future pediatrician should not openly sob in a doll store), and we left the store sad and dejected.

Samantha now costs around $300 on e-bay - a little too much for me to handle. I'm guessing she's going to come out of "retirement" at some point to give a little sales boost to the doll makers - much like the Disney vault which gives you a periodic one month window to get a limited edition Beauty and the Beast before it goes back in the vault. I may get my sister a Molly doll for her graduation so she never has to face the horrible realization that she can't pass it on to her imaginary daughter.

--By Farrah, who is house hunting and considered applying for those HGTV shows about "My first home" but didn't want to look too Liz Lemon-y looking for a house to live in by herself

Blast from the Past: Journal Entries

Last week, Farrah invited me to her house. She lured me to Perrysburg with the promise of home cooked fish and a tantalizing glimpse into her diary from the 12th grade. My interest was piqued - what was Farrah like at age 18? I was almost positive that although her comedic timing wasn't as matured and developed in the twelfth grade, it was well on its way. After reading an entry from 9/12/01, I realized I couldn't be more wrong. Senior year Farrah was not the person I know now - she was so incredibly earnest, very angsty, and tragically very, very Republican. A perpetual fear of terrorism, straight from George W.'s fear-mongering speeches, was a continual theme from said entry.

This prompted me to tell my parents to bring my diary from its hiding place in my room so that I could reflect on what kind of dork I was. Here is an entry from 5/22/97:

In science, Hardy [my 7th grade science teacher who was the Heidi to my LC, the Goliath to my David] goes "any gum 2day." I said "no." She told the whole class I got a demerit. I want 3, then I can get demerit SH [study hall]. He [?] gave me tips on how to get a demerit. Then we were taking notes and my light arrow was pointing the wrong way b/c I had no room. She was checking my notes and couldn't find anything wrong. So she goes, "Why is the arrow pointing the wrong way" "B/c I didn't have room." She tore out the page and goes "Now u do." I hate her.

In English - British tea party. During break, I was asking Lauren something near my locker and Nathan walks past a & hits me on the butt (this time no long object). I was like "U perv." He blamed it on Brice. More LATER! I asked Mrs. Horlacher 4 a demerit. She said no. Then I started chewing my gum really loud & she says, "You're chewing gum, automatic demerit." I was all excited and I thanked her. After I left, she said, "What's her problem." Mrs. Gibson never gave me a demerit. I asked 3 times. In Pre-Algebra, Nathan told me to get another demerit, just in case.

In history, I found out who Betsy liked - Nathan W!!! She said in her note, "he's so foxy." So she's over NF. In art, me and Jenna drew our houses and William told all the guys about how I live near him. Then I was like, "One time I said hi to u & u ignored me." Then Ryan and Nathan W said, "If I lived in your neighborhood, I'd ignore u 2." Whatever! Guess what I found out, Mrs. Morrison didn't give Betsey a demerit 4 chewing gum. I hate her! In PE, Saira & Nathan F. broke up. Now they're going out again.

And here endeth a typical journal entry from my seventh grade year. To glimpse into my twisted seventh grade mind is truly enlightening and frightening. I barely recognize myself - a boy crazy Valley girl whose greatest obsession was a guy who barely knew she existed. Hardly the pretentious, liberal hipster who references 30 Rock and I am Charlotte Simmons regularly that I am now. Most importantly, after reading this blast from the past, I realize how important it is to keep a journal. If we can't look back at our angst-ridden teen years and laugh, at least we can feel infinitely superior about how much we have changed. Or how much we have stayed exactly the same.

--By Mariam, who is an MS4 and thereby, INVINCIBLE.

I promise we didn't couples match

Looks like both Mariam and Farrah will be residents at Wake Forest University. Good news, the blog doesn't die here!

Blog Submissions: Awkward Interview Moments Series

Welcome to a new series that will start after Match Day. Some of us have been through an exhausting, grueling interview season of fake smiling, wearing uncomfortable polyester-blend suits, and asking nonessential questions about programs that are all essentially the same. During these 3 months, most of us have probably encountered an awkward moment with an interviewer - whether it be on our parts or the assistant professor of [insert medical specialty] or current resident. And we want to hear about it! We will compose a blog about the most awkward moments we encountered on the interview trail 2009-2010. All submissions will be anonymous, and don't fret, overly cautious MS4s, this blog will not go up until everyone has matched. Blog readers, come out of the woodwork, and participate - send your most awkward interview moment to mariamq786@yahoo.com.

-- By Mariam, who will scream if anyone ever asks her, "Do you have anymore questions for me?"

Critical Analysis of a Tile: Part IV

The interview season is winding down, and while I have a pile of 15 thank you cards to write, I am taking a break to provide more blogging entertainment. So now back by popular demand, another critical analysis of drawings on tile.

Farrah: The size of these kites couldn't really generate enough lift when compared to the placement of the string and the size of the bows. The message of "be free" doesn't exactly make sense in a hospital setting. What is this child trying to imply? Be free of medical treatment? The parents who avoid vaccination aren't setting anything free other than a new epidemic of mumps. Be free of disease? How is being free of disease related to kites? If you set a kite free, it doesn't have a brain, and it can't feel the importance of its liberation. It might even land in a local river, suffocate a swan, and leave a baby swan behind who thinks it's ugly while it is raised amongst the ducks! Finally, these supposed "kites" look strikingly similar to a spermatozoa with a crude drawing of the mitochondria in the tail. I don't know where these sperm are going to "be free," but I do know it's inappropriate for children.

Mariam: I am wondering what exactly the association between hospitals and kites is, too, Farrah. But, really, who can fathom what kind of crazy shit goes on in a kid's mind? One interpretation is that the kid is stuck in the hospital and weird people keep waking him up to poke him and check on him, and maybe he wants to "be free" of the hospital and walk out AMA*. I highly don't recommend that because then insurance doesn't pay for your visit, and who the hell wants to pay a $30,000 hospital bill out of pocket? Also, I'd like to point out the inaccuracy of the tile as well - first of all, kites are not free - they are tethered by a string and held by a snot-nosed kid (such as the one who painted this tile). In fact, they are totally operator-dependent. If a kid wanted to make an accurate (albeit irrelevant) tile about freedom, he should have painted some birds. Now, birds are totally free.

*= Against medical advice

--By Mariam and Farrah, who spent this past week making jokes about Dr. Spaceman.