Faking It

Imagine the scene: you're at dinner at Red Lobster with a group of people, and suddenly, the topic turns to a frightening subject that you don't even have a minimal operating knowledge of (in my case: current Russian politics or the NBA/NFL). What do you do?

a) Sit there quietly until this awful tide passes, and the conversation turns to safer pastures on a subject you know about like, horseback riding or Dancing with the Stars.
b) Aggressively yell at the offending parties for bringing up such an offensive topic in your delicate presence.
c) Act like you know what you're talking about by...faking it.

Obviously, c) is the best answer! Everyone will want to be your friend because you are a charming and well-rounded person that can converse on any topic with ease and grace and still not look like a douche poseur in the process. Here are some tips to faking your way through any conversational hurdle. Say your friends start talking about Russia 1917, a tumultuous year in Russian history with so many noteworthy events!

1) Miming and Repeating - This is a classic technique used by all poseur conversationalists. Miming and repeating works like this:
Ashot: "Why do you think Russian history ended the way it did? With Trotsky in Mexico with a ice pick in his head and Stalin's totalitarian regime terrorizing and strengthening the country until his death in 1953?
Roman: "Too bad Lenin died so early on leaving an ignorant, ruthless Stalin to grab hold of the leadership in the power vacuum of the 20s."
Mariam: "I lovvvvvvvvve Trotsky!"
You (let's say the only thing you know about Russia is that it's really cold there): "I lovvvvvvvvvvvvve Trotsky, too! It sucks that Lenin died so early. Stalin has a totalitarian regime."

See what you just did? You listened attentively to everyone else and then amalgamated and summarized their comments. Success!

Another technique repeaters use is that they merely try to complete the sentences of someone who does know what they're talking about. Example:
X: "I can't believe Trotsky had an affair -
Repeater: "Had an affair with...."
X: "Frida Khalo."
Repeater: "Frida Khalo."

This is very, very creepy and may scare the person you are copying...er, I mean repeating.

2) Asking Obscure Questions: This is when you listen very carefully and formulate a question based on what you are hearing even if you have never even remotely heard of the subject at hand - Kerensky who? Here's how:
Mariam: "The Russian Civil War was a confusing time. Pulling out of WWI like that, geez."
Ashot: "They signed a treaty with the Germans, thereby safeguarding the Eastern Front for the Axis."
You: "Oh yeah, what year was that? What's the name of that treaty?"

See what you just did? You made Ashot feel dumb because he can't remember the name of that treaty (even though you didn't even know there was a Russian Civil War) by asking an irrelevant question. At the same time, you looked like an interested participant of the conversation rather than some plebeian who wants to talk about nail polish or cute boys/hot girls.

3) Wikipedia is Your Friend: This requires the most work and is highly unrecommended for lazy people. Basically, you should constantly Wikipedia things and read the New York Times (all the sections, not just the Style section!) so that you can basically bullshit you way through any conversation (er, I mean be an intellectual with operating knowledge of almost anything in the world - want to talk sports? The NCAA recruiting system is corrupt! How about politics? Mitt Romney likes science fiction! Fashion, you say? David LaChapelle is a pedophile!).

Say your pretentious English major friend starts talking about the new Shakespeare biography by Stephen Greenblatt and how he refutes the theory that the bard was a secret Catholic. Well, you are habitual user of Wikipedia and other online news sources so you pipe up, "Did you know I read this article that compared Arrested Development to Shakespeare. Isn't that a stretch?" You have both integrated something you learned and changed the topic to something you know about! Score - everyone else: 0, you: 1!

With these simple tips you will never feel awkward or be at a loss for words in any conversation. God speed!

--By Mariam, who is thinking of starting a series of "How To" books for the less fortunate citizens of the world.