Fixing the Finale of Lost

Lost left a lot to be desired in the series finale. Mariam invested 6 years watching the show and tried to convince me that the ending was touching and appropriate. I only invested 6 months in the show and hated that the last season was about the death of only one character who I didn't even like that much! Maybe I am more cavalier about dismissing the show entirely because I didn't invest 6 years in it, but still it was about 120 hours of television. I could have gone to the gym instead and burnt at least 120,000 calories! I know the writers want to leave the ending open to interpretation, but it is poor form to end a show about a lot of interesting mysteries and character interactions on an island completely removed from the island and its mysteries. I suppose the lost writers and die hard fans can keep their lame ending, but for people who just want straightforward resolution they should include a highlight reel of character events after Jack's death, much like the end of any teenager coming of age movie. Imagine the song Don't You (forget about me) by Simple Minds playing as screenshots come forward with a few sentences updating us on how things turned out. Here's how I picture things turning out.

PEOPLE WHO WERE ALREADY DEAD

Jack: Enough about Jack, no update needed.

Juliet: She goes on to marry Sawyer in afterlife part 2. She runs into Jacob one night at a Sushi restaurant. After some saki bombs, he reveals he wouldn't let woman have babies on the island because his own mother died after childbirth. Juliet slaps him.

Locke: Locke opens a walkabout company in afterlife part 2. Nightly boar feast and luau included in cost of package if you buy right now!

Sun and Jin: Live together in afterlife part 2 where they never speak Korean again. They sell oxygen tanks for submarines specifically designed for unconscious people.

Sayid: Lives a slightly fulfilling life with Shannon. They live in the suburbs of afterlife part 2 and join a really WASPy country club.

Charlie: Afterlife 2 treats him well. He has 4 kids with Claire, and teaches music classes.

Shannon: Eventually dies of an asthma attack and ends up in afterlife part 3.

Boone: Wanders around awkwardly, smiling and giving everybody hugs. Sometimes he sleeps with Shannon.

Alex: Stays in afterlife part 2 until she eventually finds Karl. They date for a while, but grow apart after she leaves for college at Brown. She eventually meets Detective Miles and totally hits that.

Rousseau: Marries Dr. Linus and cooks him french food in afterlife part 1. They have adopt a baby named Pierre. They abandon him after Rousseau and Alex remember the island and they move on to afterlife part 2.

Daniel Faraday: Wins over Charlotte with his super awesome muzak.

PEOPLE WHO MAYBE NEVER EXISTED

David (Jack and Juliet's son): Gets abandoned by his dad and mom mysteriously one day after his grandfathers funeral. He has a lot of issues about it until he crashes on a strange island with a group of strangers (including Sayid's niece and nephew!).

PEOPLE WHO DIED IN THE FUTURE

Kate: Escapes on the Ajira jet, and helps Claire raise Aaron. Dies in a tragic run away ferris wheel accident.

Sawyer: Starts a blog called Nickname. It is epically successful for its one liner wit.

Miles: Finds a bag of diamonds in his pocket after landing on the Ajira flight. He becomes CEO of Oceanic airlines, but is removed after a duct tape repair scandal.

Claire: Runs a decorating company specializing in goth themed baby furniture in Beverly Hills.

Desmond: Escapes successfully from the Hugo-run island after Hugo decides to install a Star Trek-like transporter with his island magic. Lives happily with Penny and his son.

Richard: Sells eyeliner for men.

Lapidus: Works in Vegas as a Kenny Loggins impersonator, and writes a weekly conspiracy theory newsletter.

Walt: Uses his angst from his parents absence to start very promising acting career as a vampire on the CW. His strange magic powers that scared his stepdad in the first season really help him in his role.

Aaron: The dire warnings about him not being raised by his mother turn out to be wrong. He becomes a very successful marine biologist and is rumored to be dating Walt from the CW.

Ji Yeon: She channels her angst over her parents death into becoming the first female leader of the Korean mob. Think O-Ren Ishii in Kill Bill, Part 1.

Ben: Makes a lot of number 2 jokes with Hugo, especially after finding out from Desmond that the island is just a big clogged toilet.

Hugo: Hugo acts as the island protector until 2537. He is eventually replaced by Jar Jar Binks in an even more upsetting finale.

--By Farrah, who is 26 tomorrow