An Emo Story: Gertrude and Sheldon - An Inflammable Love that Died

Sheldon was in the middle of a quarter-life crisis. Most men have these crises around fifty and promptly solve it with a fancy new car and hair plugs. Sheldon couldn’t really handle it the same way – he didn’t have enough money for a new car, and he wasn’t bald. He still tried to solve it with the same basic feeling by deciding to trade in his Fiat for an Ice Cream truck, and letting his hair grow long and shaggy. However, this hairier, ice cream peddling version of him wasn’t any happier. Things just hadn’t been the same since Gertrude, his college sweetheart, dumped him.

Gertrude was in his sociology class, and he noticed her the first day. Her bright green eyes brilliantly sparkled under her long and wavy dark hair. He could tell that everything in her wardrobe was carefully chosen, but she never bothered coordinating them. She looked like a bohemian mess, and he loved that. By a stroke of luck, he got to meet this intriguing young beauty when they were assigned to do a project together on social norms. The project basically entailed annoying people on the street and then writing a paper on it. They had a magical weekend with a whoopee cushion feigning flagrant flatulence all around town. Sheldon asked her out the very next weekend. He wasn’t usually so bold, but their chemistry was instant and explosive. They eventually shared a pretentious sort of love, they would sit on the cozy couch at the coffee house down the street reading books by Dostoevsky and Nietzsche to each other. If the coffee house got too crowded to read aloud, they listened to indie songs sharing the ear buds of her iPod. People would look in their direction and think, “Man, those guys look like real pompous assholes.”

After a year, they moved into a studio apartment next to a book store. Gertrude was out shopping at the local Savers for some vintage concert t-shirts. Sheldon was trying to fix the wireless Internet at the apartment. He finally got it going, and saw the MSN home page pop up. At that very moment, Gertrude walked through the door and was shocked to see scandalous pictures of Lindsay Lohan as the featured article all over the computer screen. She was furious, and started throwing everything she could grab at Sheldon and the offensive screen.

She screamed, “HOW DARE YOU? Lindsay Lohan is just another anorexic brunette who was in Herbie. Herbie, Sheldon, Herbie!!!! Do you acknowledge me as an intellectual? It’s over Sheldon!” She ran to the bedroom, and curiously pulled out an already packed bag.

Sheldon had no idea why she blew up like that because they had watched Mean Girls together the week before. He thought she was probably experiencing her ladies days, and ran out after her to explain that he had not even noticed the page, and was just trying to fix the computer. But as he walked out the door, Sheldon saw him. He was putting her bag into an already running car. His name was Reginald – he worked at the Apple store and wore, ugh… skinny jeans. They bought their matching iBooks from him about 3 months before… suddenly it all dawned on Sheldon – Gertrude’s pottery classes every night, all sorts of Apple gadgets showing up at the apartment…

She looked back at him and sighed, “Sheldon… come on, don’t follow me. Go back inside. It’s better for you to think I’m a psycho bitch that hates Lindsay Lohan more than she loves you than for you to know the truth… I’m sorry…”

That was the story of their love with the quirky beginning to the terrible end. Sheldon thought that he might get over it one day, but manatees would probably fly before that happened. (I know the cliché is pigs, but Sheldon likes manatees more, and he doesn’t have much to like these days).

-- By Farrah, who seems incapable of putting her cell phone on silent.