An Untrue Story Made Up Entirely by Me

One day, Mariam looked at herself critically in the mirror. In a crushing realization, she saw her true self – a burden to her family. In her native Fiji Island, a woman must be married by the vernal equinox of her 23^rd year. If she is not married, her family must wear her picture on a T-shirt with the caption “My daughter is single, please marry her. She is most likely pure, and will learn to cook. Please.” Mariam herself would be forced to take cooking lessons, and since we all know that she cannot cook, she will most likely light herself on fire. Not wanting such events to transpire, Mariam decided to go speed dating!

Mariam waited patiently at her first table. When the first bachelor arrived, she berated him with pop culture trivia. He answered every question right, even the ones about shitty movies nobody watched like The Piano Teacher. The ding sounded, and Mariam was relieved – she wouldn’t dare marry somebody who knew more about pop culture than her!

The second bachelor arrived, and Mariam tried to go easy on him. Eventually, she made him discuss the third Reich in exhausting detail. He kept trying to move the conversation to the first Reich, and Mariam lost interest.

The next bachelor arrived, and he brought something new to the table. His name was Albert, and he was British. Mariam thought about how they would sound together walking through an upper east side cocktail party. His British accent would sound automatically intelligent, and she would be able to entertain and be the funnier part of the couple. She was pleased, and promptly proposed in the traditional Fiji-nese way. She made him an origami fortune teller with the future under every flap of “You will Marry Mariam.” He could not deny such a powerful omen of their future, and happily accepted.

The wedding was held at the Stranahan Theater. The Stranahan theater was named for Frank Stranahan, who became famous after he punched golfing legend Palmer square in the nuts. In honor of Mr. Stranahan, Mariam and Albert forbade both iced tea and lemonade to be served at the wedding – lest somebody mix them together.

After the wedding, Mariam saw that her last name was now “Cohen.” She realized that she married Sacha Baron Cohen’s little brother, and filed for divorce. Her parents have made an order to a t-shirt printing company, and Mariam bought a fire extinguisher.

--By Farrah, who would like to reiterate the untruthiness of this story