Willing to find true love... but only with a coupon

Despite my embarrassment, I present for your entertainment the tale of my 3 month participation in internet dating.  Like many of my single lady resident friends without the time to meet new people outside of the hospital, I turned to the internet.  The marketing was excellent - commercials pan in on a single, confident woman running her own business and talking about how she was too busy to take time away from work, then it cuts to a scene of her wearing a giant engagement ring with a handsome fellow hugging her and smiling on a beach - because that's what people do and it looks so natural!  So after months of deliberation in my head, I finally signed up.  After signing into the site, I scoffed at the price.  Sixty dollars for one month!  That money would be much better spent on one third of a dress at Anthropologie. I let my profile sit unpaid for on the site for a few months, and the site started sending me increasingly desperate e-mails - 30 people have viewed your profile in the last 5 seconds! Your match could be in this e-mail!  Once you start paying, you can communicate with your matches and tell the world you're ready for love!  Finally, the site started sending me coupons (3 months for the price of 1), and much like an Anthopologie dress in the clearance section, I didn't wait any longer to make my purchase.  

I made a profile full of charm and charisma.  I put up pictures of me at a friend's wedding, whitewater rafting, and wearing a fake mustache.  Although I felt at the time it was an interesting profile, looking back it was pretty standard.  I somehow became this foil of myself with a diluted personality presented for others approval.  I found myself to be overly judgmental of what others put up for my approval.  I automatically disqualified any potential match that had taken their picture with a camera phone in front of a mirror.  I created these arbitrary rules mostly out of fear, hoping my instincts would prevent me from accidently meeting a kidnapper on the internet.  Strangely, I don't apply the same judgment when I meet somebody in a coffee shop or park - I guess I'm more willing to be kidnapped by somebody who likes the same coffee I do.  When a potential match finally made it past the initial screening process, we were forced to answer horrible dating game type questions to communicate.  For example: What is your idea of a romantic time with somebody you've dated for over a year? What is the worst date you've ever been on?  How would you describe your parents relationship?  The answers were often predictable and more often boring.  To be fair, I quickly discovered I was very bad at conveying my dynamic personality over e-mail with strangers. I asked banal and idiotic questions - what is your favorite movie? What kind of music do you like? I could just as well have asked - do you like cheese? Do you own a vacuum? 

At the end of 3 months, I had viewed thousands of profiles, sent and received hundreds of communication requests, e-mailed dozens of eligible partners, exchanged numbers with six men, and met three men for coffee (strangely all named Mike).  I had to turn down a few men rather awkwardly and got accused of playing the "Persian game" at one point.  Most of my matches lived in another town, and all the men I met had to drive between 40 minutes to 1.5 hours to meet up with me - not the easiest way to get to know somebody and keep it casual.  After the subscription finally ended and the e-mails stopped, I felt relief.  I did not find true love, even with the coupon.  I am happy to get back to my old methods of acting awesome with my good friends out on the town and then waiting for a stranger to notice - the most passive form of flirting (flirting is a skill I never practiced).  

Since I know what you really wanted from this internet dating story is embarrassing stories of first dates with creepy strangers I will leave you with a creepy excerpt from a creepy match that I quickly deleted.  This particular fellow looked like Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite, and describes what he wants "In his own words": 

Any woman who bring smile on my face.  Who is good companion sensuous and love having intimate moments and share happiness of life.  With whom I feel as if I am on top of the world who love to have sex and know what she is doing. 

Reading that really makes me wonder if I need to give this internet dating thing another chance!

--By Farrah, who often can't watch the show New Girl because it reminds her of herself in a way that is awkward to watch