How to Be Girly - Lesson 2: How to Act in Social Settings

" In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo." - A famous Eliot poem.

J. Alfred Prufrock was very paranoid guy about how high society women perceive him at a tea party:

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair--
[They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!"]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin--
[They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!"]

I really feel for this poor, balding guy who has more self-esteem issues than an anorexic, middle school girl. However, true girls should gleam an important message - this is what not to do! Never make a boy, not even a paranoid loser like J. Alfred Prufrock, feel uncomfortable.

Here are some helpful hints:
1. Always look attentive and pepper the conversation with "uh huh, uh huh" ever so often to at least give the illusion that you are a good listener.
2. Never interrupt. What a boy says is so important, why would you even want to with your own stupid, inane, girl babble?
3. Always be supportive. Even when a boy says something completely dumb like, "Poor Donald Rumsfeld got the short end of the stick," or "Will Ferrell is the Peter Sellers of our time" (umm no - that would be Ricky Gervais!), you enthusiastically pipe up in agreement.
4. Never argue! Even though you don't live with your parents anymore, you still need male guidance no matter how "liberated" you feel by Betty Friedan's advice.
5. Always look pretty. Remember, lipstick, eyeliner, hair straighteners, designer denim, blush, bronzer, plunging necklines, chandelier earrings, leather clutches, Jimmy Choo stilettos (or their Steve Madden knock-offs), and oversized, aggressive belts are your friends! Don't let those crazy, bra-burning feminists convince you of how the modern woman's body is imprisoned and controlled by the consumer counterculture. Girls are meant to be high maintenance.

--By Mariam, who is really excited about seeing The Namesake (it's a movie about her people - sort of!).