The Backrowballers and Farrah's pregnant sister Seusie went to Red Lobster on Tuesday afternoon. It was magical and fantabulous (I partook in ShrimpFest!), but I came to an exciting conclusion - I was the "girliest" Backrowballer. I realized that Farrah, Sarah, and Abby were not typical girls; they never talked about cute boys, low-fat recipes, clothes, gossip, cute boys, work out routines, feelings/emotions, and cute boys. Instead, we talked about being foreign, argued over how many shrimp my meal came with, and retold jokes from these strange stand-up comics I had never heard of (who is this Mitch Hedberg feller?). I thought that maybe I, too, could contribute to the group dynamic by teaching a lecture series on how to act more like a typical girl. And so a new blog column was born!
Lesson 1: How to (re)act when a boy 'pokes fun' at you
Pop quiz before we begin!
When a boy "teases" you about being an airhead/Valley girl/general cliched epithet associated with lowered mental IQ, you:
a) sock him in the face. Who you callin' stupid, ho?
b) remain expressionless. The best way to deal with the enemy is game face. Indifference, cold, ruthless skill, and a steely demeanor will allow you to win the battle of the sexes.
c) start wailing loudly because in 9th grade they called you Megatard the dyslexic monkey (true story!).
d) pout and say, "I am not!" and flip your hair aggressively.
Anyone with any girl sense knows that d) is the obvious choice.
Congrats, you have made your foray into Girl World! One of the most essential things is that when guys make fun of you, never EVER make a witty, funny remark back (Farrah, I'm looking at you, kid). Back and forth banter works well in romantic comedies starring Meg Ryan, but in real life, real girls pretend like they have no operating knowledge of sarcasm except when laughing at the boy's jokes. Everyone knows girls can't be funny - duh!
Also, even though a boy is teasing you, never get offended. A girl is supposed to be fragile and delicate like The Glass Menagerie but apparently have feelings that are unbreakable like Bruce Willis in the most awesome M. Night Shyamalan movie ever. When you reach your breaking point at being called an airhead/diva one too many times and you want to just smack said obnoxious boy upside the head, don't, if you know what's good for you. Girls are supposed to be soft and smell good, like flowers. If you go off the deep end, then you'll be forever known amongst the opposite sex as a deranged/evil psycho in the vain of Demi Moore in Disclosure or Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions. And really, would we even wish that reputation upon our own worst enemy?
--By Mariam, who has given up on October Road because apparently, even ABC has.
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7 comments:
i find this new blog very interesting, it not only helps girls out with everyday life but it also gives a chance fo all those poor guys out there with "no game" to get an insight on how the female mind works, good work keep it up homie
you write with such passion, such depth, such wonder. I only ponder now where you get your drive and motivation, to write such compelling pieces of blogging literature.
Here, I'll fill ya in - Mitch Hedberg is only the greatest comedian yet known to mankind! RIP, Mitch.
This is so much to remember! I like making funny witty remarks back, AND comedies staring Meg Ryan like When Harry met Sally. Oh well, I must resign myself to the fact that girls can't be funny. I'm going to go get some girly supplies like perfume so I can be more delicate and smell like a flower.
I liked Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions. Way more interesting than goody-two shoes Reese Witherspoon.
oh yeah, like for sure!
i picked A and stopped reading the rest of the choices. I have determined I too am not a girly girl. I didn't even give the girly options are read through.
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