I'm Too Important for This Blog

Today, a nameless individual who I will call Farah (pronounced Fur-ah, not like the Charlie's Angel Farrah) told me that I no longer cared about the blog. While her comments were brutally harsh, I found them to have a resounding truth. I could spend my time denying these hurtful accusations about the blog, which has been a worthy medium to showcase my own t narcissism and awesomeness, but it would be, to quote Gertrude, "the lady doth protest too much." While the sixteen readers that I get daily (despite my fruitless attempts at advertising this blog) have been faithful and wonderful, I need a larger audience to stroke and nurture my ego so that I can reach new heights in self-aggrandizement (a la Oprah, Paris Hilton).

In reality, I have outgrown this blog, and now I must stretch my literary wings and fly away to a better, badder place. It's only for the best, blog readers. I mean, what would have happened to George Clooney had he stayed on ER? Would he have won the Oscar for Syriana? Would he have an entourage? Would he have allegedly dated that skinny hottie Renee Zellwegger? My nameless friend Fur-ah is just holding me back because this time, next year, I could be dating Cormac McCarthy, or better yet, Tom Wolfe (okay, Tom is seventy-something but the guy invented an entire new genre of nonfiction, which is really hot).

So, to my nameless friend, I say, I'm sorry that it had to end this way (which is a break up worthy of Heidi and LC on The Hills), but it was inevitable. Some people are destined (and even content) to remain bloggers for a blog read only by a minority contingency, but I am like Mariah Carey in Glitter; the small town life ain't enough for me. I want stars, I want Hollywood, and by golly, I don't care who I have to step on on the ladder of success to get to it! So see y'all later, and good night, and good luck.

--By Mariam, who is just kidding; the above is satire. She feels compelled to point out the obvious, but the last time she wrote a satire mocking the 17th century tendency to pass out political pamphlets, people got viscerally offended. So here she is, making this awkward disclaimer.