Oh, that Kayak, It's just something I built last weekend with my bare hands

Last Friday, Abby and I were ready to embark on the wondrous adventure of a three day weekend. As we strut through the parking lot, we noticed a big black SUV with not one but two kayaks strapped to the roof. We noticed the same SUV with the kayaks on Tuesday when we returned to class, and we had to wonder, why would you store your kayaks on the roof of your car during school? First of all, it's a waste of gas because it's adding unnecessary weight to the car - this person obviously hates the environment despite their outdoorsy image. Secondly, you can just tell this person is BEGGING for somebody to walk with him/her out to the parking lot and ask about the kayaks. Then he/she can nonchalantly answer with, "Oh that kayak, it's just something I built last weekend with my bare hands. Then I took it on some rapids, and you know, I almost died, but the kayak was just so well built and I'm so athletic that I made it through. Also, like I'm really in-sync with the environment, and I'm really outdoorsy. I have this really amazing kayaking adventure life when I'm not at school here in boring Toledo." My guess is that it's some first year who was about to take them down at home, but then realized it was a way to form friendships at a new school with people who think his/her kayak is impressive, and like, totally awesome.

We've all been guilty of this desperate cry for attention at some point in our lives. You carry around some object that shows off your hidden talent for painting, or music, or reading Dostoevsky in Russian. Then you wait around for somebody to ask you about that object so you can impress them, but there are some rules. You need some pseudo-plausible justification for the object's presence, and when somebody approaches you, act really humble, like you'd forgotten you were carrying anything at all. For instance, if you brought a 10 foot oil painting to lecture one morning, you'd tell people you were taking it to your grandmother's house after lecture and the paint would get damaged in the heat of your car - you clearly had to bring it to class. Another example, which may or may not be true - if you take your classical guitar to all of your classes because you insisted on accompanying yourself in voice class, you can tell people you had to bring it for a music class later that day. Then all the people in your biochemistry class will know that you are more than just a scientist, you are a renaissance woman with many varied and fascinating interests!

Even the sometimes anti-social slackers in the backrow try to impress people in this fashion. Our very own Mariam used to read Rolling Stone in the library, and then ask people if they knew about the obscure indie music facts she read. Although she may have actually liked the magazine, her main objective was to be seen reading the magazine. Thinking of all these examples, I couldn't help but remember the beginning of first year, when the young gangsta Ashot read existentialist novels during lecture breaks... in Russian. Every break when the masses socialized, desperate to form friendships in the horror of medical school, he would sit with his book waiting for somebody in class to be impressed by his interest in Dostoevsky and knowledge of foreign languages. In the end, it worked out pretty well for Ashot. I asked him about Dostoevsky, and Roman came forward as his Russian speaking comrade. So although I'm making fun of this kayak person, I understand the effort. Despite this understanding, I still won't be friends with you just because you have a kayak. sorry!

--By Farrah, who dyed her hair black to be seen as more of a misanthrope - you might say, "um... wasn't her hair practically black already and naturally black?" - and that would be a perfect example of why she hates people