When Life Meets My Girl
Suddenly, I accidentally stepped on a wasp's nest, and five of them stung me simultaneously. At that moment, I flashbacked to Macaulay Culkin's character's tragic death in the 1991 prepubescent classic My Girl. Tragically, Macaulay went into the woods to retrieve his girlfriend's prized mood ring and was stung by so many bees that he died from toxic shock or something (back off y'all, not a doctor yet). Now, when you are 11, being stung by a swarm of bees and dying subsequently is tragic, romantic, and cinematic. At 16, an age when you are supposed to be gyrating in a seedy club in Cancun with a large, beefy man, going into a hyperventilating state due to bee stings is as dorky and stupid as Ducky from Pretty in Pink.
My dad packed me into the minivan and sped through our development to get me to the ER. Suddenly, a police car started chasing us through Oak Ridge Drive for speeding. In between gasps for air, I croaked, "Stop. Police." My dad, in the manner of that awesome car chase sequence in The Bourne Identity, kept racing to the hospital because he wasn't going to let his only child be beaten at the hands of some stupid, lame bees.
--By Mariam, who is now in a location where saying "y'all" and "purty" is pretty much business as usual.
6 comments:
My girl made me cry, but now I'm not sure why. Macaulay Culkin was kinda lame in that movie. Nothing like the heart throb we all knew and loved in Home Alone 1 AND 2.
I was walking along, I think looking for some girl's cat with her who lived down the street from me (the girl, not the cat) anyway it doesn't matter I don't remember who the chick was, but this is the point: we walked into some tall grass and since I was I believe 5 years old, the grass was up above my head. I stepped in a nest of sweat bees and they swarmed all over me. I remember running out to my mom who proceeded to grab my bee-covered peter pan dress and rip it off me to get those fuckers away. How brave! I think I then got into some funky smelling kind of bath tub and whether or not I invented this memory, I seem to belive that I had to go to kindergarten covered in calomine lotion (i don't know how to spell that) and when it came my turn to tell a story from over the summer.... I pretty much horrified the other children in the class. Plus I got chastised for repeatedly trying to sneakily scratch my arms, and being the somewhat more liberated woman I am now than when I was six, I would most likely have a few choice words for those teachers. Ahem. My story is not as tragic as My Girl, and I always thought Veda was really stupid for being worried about having a chicken bone in her throat (wasn't that it?) and I think that Mr. Culkin is now a crack head - so go the lives of the rich and famous. Hope that all is well.
Hey I remember how your dad totally saved the day, kinda like Sharukh Khan playing a hero in an Indian Movie... that is so awesome
Hey Mariam,
Well-written article! The part about "gyrating in a seedy club in Cancun" was a particularly nice touch.
Jack
Farrah, My Girl had lots of important life lessons. I learned about periods from it.
Also, Jamie, I am so glad to hear you triumphed over bees. An experience like yours is why you probably became a doctor - so that you can destroy bees, one nest at a time.
And thanks Jack - you are my new bff.
what a story.... :) kept me fully entertained all the way thru! ;)
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