The library is truly a magical place. I always heard stories of girls snagging available doctor guys at the library - all that whispering in soft tones, and all those...thick binders filled with notes and highlighters - these things all spell romance and are so conducive to finding love.
One day, after studying at the library all day, I went to Ruby Tuesday's with some friends. I ate a crab cake burger with extra vigor and had uncomfortable conversation about something deep. When I came back, I found my notes had been defiled; an unknown person named Matt had written, "I think you're cute. Are you free for coffee Friday? Love, Matt." For a second (but just one second), my heart fluttered.
Then, my gut instinct kicked in, and I knew someone was screwing with me. Sapna, my lab partner who had spent the better part of anatomy laughing at me with her partner in crime, Lisa, had been lurking suspiciously in the library that day. I asked the library regulars who had left this mysterious note - everyone claimed they knew nothing because everyone knows habitual library-goers are as tight lipped and close-knit as the Italian Mafia. The day yielded no answers.
Two days later, I returned and found another note from "Matt." "I stopped by on my break, and you weren't there, I'll check back later." What "break"? Break from his custodial duties? Break from the local brothel house? A break from prison? Once again, no one could tell me if anyone had dropped by my table to leave the offending notes. Sapna played dumb:
"Dude, I've been sitting here and didn't see anything. You're psycho!" (Whatever).
After a careful handwriting comparison of the two notes (a la Veronica Mars), I found that there were 2 different Matts. Sadly, I couldn't get the real (or copycat) Slim Matt to please stand up. Ultimately, "Matt" keeps writing comments on the blog, and I'm firmly convinced that someone out there knows what fucker is messing with me. Please, if you have any information about the identity of the Matt, come forward. Harassment via secret admirer is a serious crime and is not tolerated in the state of Ohio. Come on, do the right thing.
--By Mariam, who is Desperately Seeking Matt.
15 comments:
Mariam, I think that "Matt" is actually Mr. Mooney. xoxo - Jack
As a committed library-goer I cannot tell you anything more than he really does like you.
mariam, as i told you once, sapna called me over one day in the library and was kinda concerned that you think she is matt. i dont think it was her
seriously, you actually brought a camera to school to take a picture of mulford for your blog?
There are pictures of the library just up on the internets! No camera needed!
I think Matt (who ever he is) is lame, but I think its even more lame to give him all this attention. Just ignore him.
It wasn't me... But Mariam, I do think you're cute. What can I say, I love spunk!
Mariam, I am deeply hurt. I finally opened my heart to you after admiring your charming personality for a long time and you strike me down by calling it a prank. How can you possibly make a joke of my feelings? I thought you were different Mariam. This is one of the saddest days of my life.
a. thank you Tahir for your support in this difficult time as I am continuously HARRASED by mariam.
b. i personally like how mariam has failed to mention in this little story of her how she walked around the library comparing the note with all the males to see if any of the handwriting was the same.
c. even as i write this, she stands behind me, harrasing me to see if in fact i am her matt.
i think we should take a poll... all in favor that MARIAM is in fact her OWN MATT, should speak now so this ends. If there is a true matt out there, let me be the first to say a) pick wiser next time and b) there is no way your muslim, thus you are not a plausible option. for that i am sorry yet you should be counting your blessings as we speak, for she is seriously CRAZY!
Mariam, I apologize that my invitation for coffee has caused you so much distress. I really did just think you were cute, but now that i realize you are not open to dating someone like me, I think I am going to have to cancel that coffee date for Friday.
Hi Mariam,
Looks like you're available for tonight since matt wussed out. I'd like to step in and take you for coffee if you'd like.
Yours,
Richie
Rich, this is the offer I've been waiting for. Can you bring copies of next week's exams with you? I need to...proofread them for errors. That's it, yeah.
Matts, I am tired of your games! Quit playing games with my heart. My heart. My heart. I should have known from the start.
laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame
Also, Jack, never ever call a PhD Mr, they will castrate you.
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