My older sister just had her first child, making me an aunt, and making my mom tell perfect strangers that she just became a grandma. If Al Gore were making a movie about a baby, he would have to make a movie about this one. Arriving three full weeks early made baby terribly inconvenient. He might even be causing global warming. His tiny body emits a remarkable amount of heat - all that brown fat we learned about in cell bio. Damn you ATP uncoupling heat reaction!! My own birthday is in May, and I had been telling my sister's belly for the past few months, "Don't you steal my glory baby. May belongs to me. It's my month. When you come out, you'll be all cute and new and exciting - if you're born in May, you will steal my thunder. You stay put until June." But he didn't listen - babies are really unreasonable. Don't get me wrong, we are all really overjoyed. But we are all also terribly tired - this was how my last week went:Monday: Backrow Ballers conduct important Veronica Mars-like investigation of anonymous poster on blog.
Tuesday: Investigation gets forgotten as my sister goes to the hospital to have her baby. Sally was on the phone with me when I found out, and thought I was making an excuse to stop talking to her. Baby is up to no good, pulling good friends apart!
Wednesday: My sister is still at the hospital waiting to have her baby. I pick up my mom and little sister from the airport, and I make several wrong turns taking them to the hospital. I pull out my second rate GPS device of a laminated map to find my way around. I become a chauffeur/catering service to the hospital. Take out food for everybody!
Thursday: Baby arrives at 3:30 am. Very convenient baby, it's not like any of us would want to sleep at 3 in the morning. Baby is in good health, and everyone is sleepy. I still make wrong turns en route to the hospital.
Friday: Still at hospital, still eating take out food, still sleepy, still no sense of direction.
Saturday: I remain a chauffeur/catering service to the hospital. My dad and brother arrive. At least 5 members of my family (everyone but me) participate in every diaper change in the tiny hospital room. Baby turns yellow - I suspect he may be a shape shifter.
Sunday: My dad decides to finish the hardwood floors that my older sister and her husband started before the baby got here. This means we all need to help finish the hardwood floors. In a 7 hour marathon of woodworking, the living room is completed. Baby sits in a tanning bed, and comes home.
Monday: Work on hardwood floors continues as dining room is completed. Baby learns to pee conveniently right after you take his diaper off.
Tuesday: Investigation gets forgotten as my sister goes to the hospital to have her baby. Sally was on the phone with me when I found out, and thought I was making an excuse to stop talking to her. Baby is up to no good, pulling good friends apart!
Wednesday: My sister is still at the hospital waiting to have her baby. I pick up my mom and little sister from the airport, and I make several wrong turns taking them to the hospital. I pull out my second rate GPS device of a laminated map to find my way around. I become a chauffeur/catering service to the hospital. Take out food for everybody!
Thursday: Baby arrives at 3:30 am. Very convenient baby, it's not like any of us would want to sleep at 3 in the morning. Baby is in good health, and everyone is sleepy. I still make wrong turns en route to the hospital.
Friday: Still at hospital, still eating take out food, still sleepy, still no sense of direction.
Saturday: I remain a chauffeur/catering service to the hospital. My dad and brother arrive. At least 5 members of my family (everyone but me) participate in every diaper change in the tiny hospital room. Baby turns yellow - I suspect he may be a shape shifter.
Sunday: My dad decides to finish the hardwood floors that my older sister and her husband started before the baby got here. This means we all need to help finish the hardwood floors. In a 7 hour marathon of woodworking, the living room is completed. Baby sits in a tanning bed, and comes home.
Monday: Work on hardwood floors continues as dining room is completed. Baby learns to pee conveniently right after you take his diaper off.
This is how I had expected my week to go:
Monday: Backrow Ballers conduct important Veronica Mars-like investigation of anonymous poster on blog.
Tuesday: Chillaxing and painting
Wednesday: Playing guitar and tom foolery
Thursday: Sleeping and a trip to the hair saloon
Friday: Shopping and going out.
Saturday: a trip to Chicago
Sunday: more Chicago fun
Monday: continued adventures in Chicago
All things said, my new baby nephew is really freakin' cool, and I'm really happy to be an aunt. Baby is even cooler than the Sears tower. I'm afraid of heights anyway, so I don't really need a trip to Chicago to see it's unnecessarily tall towers. One time in Spain, I paid 9 euro to go to the top of the Sagrada Familia, only to be terrified at the top. Hmm... that was off topic. Anyway, the point is I'm afraid of heights... or maybe the point is I'm happy about Baby... I'm still too tired.
--By Farrah, who watches the Daily Show and the Colbert Report with baby to introduce him to punditry
5 comments:
Congrats to "khaleh Farrah" on the newest addition to your sagrada familia. May I also suggest emphasizing the importance of operating on PST to the baby. While showing up early can be forgiven, make sure he doesn't make a habit of it.
I love babies! Pretty! They are so cute and small, but I don't like it when they are dirty so make sure when I come baby is clean as Shlee's home.
Anyways, I hope that you teach baby that there are other people in the world, and it's not always HIS time, it's FARRAH time, backrowballers time, TV time, as well!
Thanks Nima! Baby probably got here early because he's half american/greek - we'll work that part out of him so that he's never on time again.
Mariam, baby is way into pooping his pants so I don't know if you'll see him very clean, but I'll do my best to make him presentable.
I just laughed out loud for like 3 minutes straight imagining you yelling at the baby to stay put until june. This uncontrollable laughter prompted me to make my friends read it. They didn't laugh, but don't worry it was hilarious and I'll beat them up later for not laughing at such a good blog post.
Maybe you need to spend some time around my in-utero baby. I want it to come out early so I can go back to Iowa for my mom's wedding. Come rub my tummy for good luck.
Post a Comment